This past weekend, Meghan and I got a couples massage at the Rittenhouse Spa. HELL YEAH!

We don’t treat ourselves often so it’s fun to spend on a random experience. The spa is top notch. Everything is shiny and they give you a free bottle of water right when you walk in. We filled out some paper work then they showed us to the locker rooms.

The massage was great. My lady was going HAM on some knots in my boney shoulders. For all you perverts, the hands and feet, specifically fingers and toes, were my favorite parts.

Afterward we hit our respective locker rooms to finish up when I come across the STEAM ROOM. A staff member asked if I wanted to use it and I said “Uhh, okay“. He hit a button and said to wait a minute or two before going in.

While waiting, I hit the sauna. I’ve done saunas before. They’re great. There’s nothing quite like simulating how it would feel moments before you have a heat stroke in the desert and die.

But the steam room was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Dressed in only my boxers, I opened the door to enter. Immediately I’m hit with a wall of steam. It felt like a sorcerer cast a steam attack on me. I entered and closed the door behind me.

Right off the bat I’m scared. I know the room is ~10 feet deep, but I can’t see 6 inches in front of my face, and I don’t know if anyone else is in there with me. I yelled out “hello?” and no one answered. Either it was empty or the other person was waiting for chest compressions on the floor.

The sign on the outside said no more than 10 minutes, but after 90 seconds the steam was suffocating me. Every breath was like breathing in under water. My skin started to mix with sweat and steam. My boxers felt soaked through.

After another minute or so I felt like I was blacking out so I opened the door and stumbled out into the main hallway. Right then a guy walked in the locker room door. I’m standing there in my boxers, full sweat, completely disoriented. He walked in, looked at me, and I started laughing. I might as well have been on mushrooms at that point.

Who the fuck does the steam room? Is that how rich people live? It felt like those stories of Bezos injecting child’s blood into his veins to stay young. Honestly, I want to go back and try it more.