I have three hobbies. That’s it. And they all make me MAD. Mad to the point that I’m wondering why I do them at all.

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Chess

I’ve said this before, but chess is a game where when you win, you think “Good, I’m better than that guy” and when you lose you think “Oh my god I am the dumbest human on the planet how did I not SEE THAT!” and smash your mouse five times.

I’m currently a 1500 on Chess.com, which is reportedly better than 89.6% of users, but rarely do I feel like a good player. If I win, I’m a little happy. If I lose, I immediately click to play again because I’m fuming from the loss. 10 minutes after I walk away from the computer I’m fine, but in that moment, anger is extreme which then leads to worse chess playing.

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Golf

Golf is frustrating like chess, but there’s a much larger sense of self-pity when you’re golfing poorly. It’s this feeling that the entire golf universe is against you and no matter what you do, you’re going to hit a bad shot. Sure I may pipe a drive down the middle on any given hole, but I know there are 3-9 more difficult shots ahead.

The last round of golf I played at Avalon (where Tom smashed the window) was the most discouraging round I’ve maybe ever played. I shot a 114 and was hitting behind the ball, topping off the tee, nothing going straight, 3 putting all over. I’ve golfed more this year than any before and to end on such a pathetic note made me feel like less of a human.

The joy I feel from playing well does exist, but I ‘play well’ so infrequently that I wonder why I keep trying.

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Call of Duty

COD is something I’ve been doing for ~15 years. I often feel like I’m better than whoever I’m playing against. So when I lose to a shitty kid on the internet who teabags my corpse for 10 seconds after he kills me, I get mad.

On the flip side, there is a pretty massive sense of satisfaction when things go well, like winning a Warzone match. But I don’t win those very often. I’ve played over 1000 Warzone matches and I’ve won…. wait for it… 24 matches. 24 times I was on the last standing team. Over 1000 other times I was eliminated yelling “HOW?! God fucking damnit.” while coming up with an excuse as to why I wasn’t able to pull it off and the other guy got lucky.

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I think of Laura as a comparison whose hobbies are nothing like mine. You don’t get so mad at reading a book that you throw it down and yell “I’M FUCKIN’ DONE WITH THIS” then walk away.

I need to find more soothing and constructive hobbies.