This past weekend a small group of us (Slade, Andrew (Slade), Simoncini, Drew, and Ed) went to Toronto to celebrate Slade’s bachelor party. The following is a very long recap that will probably only interest the people who are mentioned or people who have banged those who are mentioned, but I wanted to have something to reference in the future.


  • Andrew got us into the AMEX Centurion lounge which has free food and drinks. This was wild. Might have to get one of these credit cards based on this experience.
  • Drama ensued when the plane didn’t have enough overhead space and we (zone 3) had to check our bags while certain people (zone 4) were let on before us. “I don’t know how that happened” said the desk lady. You! You literally let it happen!
  • Traffic was horrible from the Toronto airport and our Uber driver somehow saw his brother in bumper to bumper traffic on the ride, “I haven’t seen him in three months!
  • We arrived at the Airbnb around 7pm. It was a nice place and I settled into a room with Simoncini.
  • We went to get some essentials like food and marijuana which is LEGAL in Canada. There’s a dispensary literally every block.
  • I got too high smoking a joint (not even supercharged). Vibes were great!
  • I was absolutely blown away when Simoncini insisted it was easier to win in Texas Hold ‘Em against five professionals than five of your best friends who don’t play often. His logic was “your friend can go all in with 9-2 and then hit a 2 on the river to win!“. Absolutely speechless.
  • Andrew and Drew got us Popeye’s which was spectacular.
  • We stayed in for night one knowing we had a big next day ahead of us.
  • Simoncini and I slept great.
Album cover


  • We hit up a benny place that was 100 degrees inside. Slade was sweating bullets. It had average bennys and they hilariously asked us how poached we wanted our eggs, we all said “soft“, and they all came out mildly hard. I’ve never had a place ask how I wanted my eggs; if you’re going to do that, don’t get it wrong!
  • Next we hit up with the Hockey Hall of Fame which was as exciting as I was expecting. Gordie Howe. Wayne Gretzky. Who knew. Ed crushed the Goalie challenge and we all sucked at the score-a-goal challenge.
  • After that we headed to the water and ordered a few flights where the server had absolutely no clue which beer was which. She started guessing and Slade instantly called her out; “nope, wrong“, and she just said “I don’t know what these are“.
  • It was time to go home and get ready for a BIG dinner at RICHMOND STATION.
Good food, good friends.
  • The dinner was fantastic. Awesome tasting menu, nice little section to ourselves, and great drinks.
  • After dinner we went to a dispensary and did a quick stop at the Airbnb before a night on the town. Here we go….
  • We posted up at Saint John’s where I was about 10% too drunk and 20% too high. Every time I caught Slade’s eye I just could not stop laughing. No clue what we talked about.
  • We started playing the finger game on Guinnesses and the group was pretty turnt. We agreed on “one more” and Simoncini came back with six more. This proved to be a pivotal moment.
  • Things are pretty hazy here, the Slades headed back for bed while Drew, Simoncini, Ed, and myself walked around to find another bar. Five minutes later the four of us ended up at the same bar we were just at.
  • Drew and I were talking about god knows what and again I could not stop laughing. We were entering dangerous territory. At some point, Ed put Drew’s phone in front of him on the bar and specifically said that it was Drew’s phone and that he needed to keep it.
  • Eventually Ed made the adult decision that we had to get everyone (Drew) home. Thank god. Hanging by a thread.

Drew’s Phone

We awoke on Saturday and Drew’s phone was missing. Here are the details of what happened.

  • We left the bar at about 1:30am and arrived home shortly after.
  • At 2:30am, three texts were sent from Drew’s phone that all said “Love Gabby’s.
  • The next morning, Drew could not find his phone.
  • After a short search, we found Gabby’s was a bar near where we were last night, though none of us had gone there.

So, that means one of two things happened.

  • Drew slept for an hour, woke up to text “Love Gabby’s” three times, then went back to bed, and remembers none of it. Which is physically impossible.
  • Drew lost his phone, which someone found, then an hour later they somehow unlocked it and texted the group “Love Gabby’s” three times.

Find my iPhone was of no use, and after searching the apartment up and down, we concluded the phone was lost in the streets on Toronto.

FAST FORWARD TO WEDNESDAY and Drew’s phone was somehow found in Toronto. I cannot explain what happened. The phone sat alone on the street for days only for someone to find it and plug it in? It makes zero sense. And how someone broke in to his phone, and why they would text the group, we will simply never know.


  • What can I even say about this morning. Everyone felt horrible, there were multiple bathroom mishaps, and Drew’s phone was missing.
  • Worst of all, our bachelor was absolutely out of commission. Diarrhea, vomit, cold sweats, benedict, you name it, it was coming out of him, every hole.
  • The five remaining partiers went out for a completely mediocre brunch before searching for Drew’s phone (no luck) and returning to the apartment.
  • Vibes were down. Libido was low. What did we do? Got high.
  • Then we went to the pool / steam room. If you know anything about me and steam rooms, you know it’s overwhelming for me. Drew, Simoncini, and Andrew tore it up but I honestly couldn’t hang.
  • By dinner time vibes were still low but Slade felt good enough to muster a meal out.
  • We ate at a random place where the food was average and the server hated us, mostly because we were throwing pee-the-bed accusations around left and right while she was trying to clear the table.
  • We went home and called it a night.
Typical night in


  • Sunday was a new day. Vibes were high and we started with a great brunch at Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit. Massive breakfast tacos.
  • We had a huge decision to make between the Art Museum and the Aquarium. Ed’s case for the Art Museum won the group over and off we went.
  • I like art. I don’t understand art. Jean, a 105 year old volunteer with a walker and a flock of seagulls haircut not only loved art, but knew every detail about every piece of art in the museum. I stayed far away from her, but she sucked in a few of us for 30+ minutes. My guess is her body will be put on display in the museum when she passes.
  • After the Museum we went to a wonderful little pub called The Queen and Beaver to kill the afternoon.
  • We found a small table in the corner upstairs while the US Open played and we downed beer after beer while playing card games. I legitimately felt like I was in the year 1850 and that I would’ve loved it if I was born then.
UNFILTERED art. Hot or not?
  • As day turned to night we headed back to gear up for one last dinner. How did Drew and I gear up? Got high and went to the steam room, obviously.
  • We were so hot in the steam room that I think we were causing the room to sweat and not the other way around. What a cleanse this was. Changed my whole outlook on steam rooms.
  • A spontaneous trip to a restaurant called Lapinou ended up being way better than expected.
  • We were off to a hot start when we ordered two sourdoughs, to which Simoncini said “are those pretzels?” They were not.
  • It’s hard to remember details of the dinner but everything was going great until the bill came. Simoncini decided to pay for this one and broke not one, not two, but three credit card machines because his card was split in half at the bottom. Andrew to the rescue with a normal card. Don’t be a hero. Let Andrew pay for everything and figure it out later.
  • A quick stop for ice cream before calling it a night back at the Airbnb.
  • We spent a few hours shooting the breeze, discussing things such as wedding prospects, if Simoncini will lose 15lbs before the wedding (it’s October 28th), hour long shits, peanut butter sandwiches, etc. It was a beautiful conclusion to a wonderful trip.


The gang was out early for the trip home. I won’t bore you with the details as there wasn’t much going on.

Overall Toronto left a very mild impression on me. This weekend could’ve happened in any major city and I think we would’ve had an equally good time. It was more a testament to the group chemistry we had! I hope everyone had fun, I certainly did. Seeyuhlater.