On Thursdays, I leave work early to take care of Harrison. From ~3:30pm to bed time, it’s just me and my little buddy. This Thursday we went on a lovely 4 mile run together using the running stroller. It was fantastic. I was in an awesome mood afterward.
But it occurred to me that I was in an awesome mood for a self-serving reason. It wasn’t “that was great to spend that time together with my son!“. We barely interact while he’s in the stroller. Most of my joy came from simply getting out to run for 30 minutes. It pinpointed a feeling I’ve been circling a lot lately:
Am I too selfish?
Throughout my life, I’ve derived a lot of value from measurable hobbies that I try singularly hard at – running, chess, guitar hero (the man). I’m drawn towards things that require time, effort, and technique to show improvement. I typically say “Let’s see how good I can get at this” when starting a new hobby as opposed to “Let me just enjoy myself” (though in a way, that IS my enjoyment).
Having a kid forces you to sacrifice. You sacrifice hobbies, entertainment, sleep, etc. In fact, there’s a somewhat self-inflicted expectation that you should give up your hopes and dreams for the time being. Because it’s not about you anymore. But even still, I find myself clinging to things I’ve sacrificed from before having Harrison.
The best example currently is chess. Less than a year before Harrison was born I played my first OTB game and realized I stumbled onto something I genuinely enjoy. Over the next 11 months, I played 43 OTB games and loved it . Once Harrison was born I took a 7 month break but have resumed playing most Wednesday nights. I played a great game on Wednesday which I won and it made me happy.
Most nights we put Harrison to sleep around 7pm and l usually play / analyze some games, do some puzzles, or read my book. Meg brought up that we can push his bedtime to 7:30pm. My first involuntary thought was “that means 30 less minutes at night for us and less time to study chess“.
I’m concerned that my involuntary feeling reveals an inner truth; that I am selfish.
I don’t WANT to feel relief when we put Harrison down at 7pm instead of 7:30pm. It kind of makes me feel like a bad dad. But it’s the feeling I felt.
I’m torn. Part of me wants to embrace parenthood more. I’ve read / listened to so many things about being present and enjoying the time and the moments you have with your kid(s) because you will never get them back.
But the other part of me acknowledges that I don’t just give up my life entirely once we have kids. That I (and every parent) often need a break from caretaking. That I’m still an individual with motives and aspirations; some of which involve my wife and my child, and some of which do not.
Running is another example. To be ‘good’ I have to do it every day and I simply can’t do that. I typically run two times a week now which makes me happy, but is a far cry from the marathon training I was doing two years ago. I’m mostly at peace with this because I’ve achieved what I wanted to as a runner, but there’s absolutely a part of me that says “I still have a few good years left, there’s another marathon PR in me if I really give it a go!“.
The demand that would put on Meghan and to a lesser extent our parents to watch Harrison would be enormous. As I said, I’m okay if this never materializes, but the feeling is there. And although it makes me excited to think about diving into another serious training block, it also makes me feel selfish.
As with all things, the answer is a balance. I don’t ACTUALLY think I’m that selfish in the grand scheme of parents out there, but I imagine many parents feel the same sense of guilt as they adjust to parenthood. If I can balance being a good father, a good husband, and improving at chess (for example) all at the same time, then I’m not too selfish. It’s only when these side quests interfere with the main quest that they become a problem. At this point, I’m still fulfilling my duties as a husband and father. But it doesn’t mean I don’t day dream every now and then about those things.
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