Anyone can get straight A’s by studying, but life is more than a test. The real world makes you apply practical knowledge to everyday situations without having all the answers. Fortunately for you, I’ve been around the block and can let you know when you’re an idiot.

The Best Spot — When finding a parking spot, time is more important than location. In fact, time is almost always the most important attribute because you can’t get it back. Yet people drive around looking for a “good spot.” Let me tell you, it doesn’t matter if you park there or 12 spots away. You’ll spend two minutes trying to save yourself 20 seconds of walking. It’s not a contest to see how close you can get to the store to prove how lazy you are and how much you hate walking. Park the car and walk your fat ass into the store.

The Bartender Doesn’t Know You — I lose my shit when people ask, “Which beer is better?” How on Earth would the bartender know your taste? This question is a complete misunderstanding of humanity. Better for who? You can ask what sells the most. You can ask if it’s high ABV. But asking another human which one you’ll like more makes no fucking sense. Perhaps you’re just trying to make some banter before ordering a drink, but guess what? The bartender doesn’t know you and doesn’t care. There are six people behind you waiting to order. Pick a beer and live with it. Morons who try beers are also on this list.

I Think You Should Leave Is Funny — If I start a conversation and somehow find out the human doesn’t like ITYSL, I’d probably just stop talking to them. We’re not compatible. I know the show is stupid. It’s supposed to be stupid. That’s kind of the joke. If you can’t get that, you’re probably too stupid to watch it.

Where’s the Cereal Bowl Go? — The dishwasher needs order. I’ve never looked into the specifics of whether the water engulfs all of the dinnerware and then starts shooting jets at different angles, but the dishwasher should be optimized for the most plates, bowls, and silverware per load. This means placing the plates in a vertical stack and the bowls between the rungs. Haphazard dishwasher loading should be studied to determine how many other parts of their life a person knowingly mismanages.

My Luggage Is More Important Than Yours — The ultimate sign of selfishness and disrespect for your fellow man. Oh, I have a backpack that can easily fit under my seat, but instead, I’ll put it in the overhead so the last passenger to board has to feel like a total clown because there’s no space left. I’ve been that person before, holding up an entire plane because of space issues, and I feel for that person boarding last. Don’t take up space for the sake of taking up space. Sidenote: The people standing six inches from the boarding lane when they’re still four groups away are also idiots. You’re Group 7. Sit the fuck down.

Wrong Direction Golf Bag — The biggest giveaway of a total knuckle dragger is carrying their bag so the clubs point backwards. I’m laughing as I write this. It’s not comfortable. It’s awkward. There’s no reason to ever carry it this way, yet you’ll see it every day. Very funny and a total display of ineptitude. 40 handicapper guaranteed.

The Pre-Menu — Who looks at the menu of a restaurant before they go there? The fun of going to a restaurant is picking a dish. But what if I don’t like anything? Who the fuck cares? It’s one meal. Your study prep isn’t going to make the food taste any better. Show up, open the menu, make a decision. Live in the moment, dipshit.

The Silent Uber — I prefer music. Always. At a party. In my office. At the bar. Life is better with music. Yet, when you get that Uber driver and there’s no noise, you know it’s going to be a long ride. How do they go about their day? When a second form of distraction causes brain overload, do they self-destruct? An Uber driver should play whatever music they like at volume 12 (out of 40). I don’t want to talk to you, but I also don’t want to sit there in silence thinking about how we’re not talking.

PS – I do talk to Uber drivers, and I make it a point to explain that they can’t afford the inevitable car repairs, so they aren’t making nearly as much money as they think they are.

Left Turn Green Arrow Urgency — This is my ultimate aggravation: when the dopey driver in front of me is only worried about whether they get through the arrow. When I’m first in line, I gun that shit. I make sure my phone is put away and I’m attentively anticipating that green arrow. We have a responsibility to the eight cars behind us. People who don’t take this seriously are just losers of life.

Phones at Gyms — Gyms should ban phones. It’s a simple rule and everyone would be better off for it. Working out has the word work in it for a reason. It’s not time for Block Blast while you wait three minutes between sets. If you’re sitting on a machine staring at your phone long enough for me to wonder whether you’re still working out, you’ve been there too long. Do your set. Get the fuck up. You can beat your high score in the parking lot. I had to look up what games the kids are playing these days.

The Ol’ 20 Teamer — Dude, you’re going to lose. Just hand your $2 to the casino instead of clogging up the sports betting terminals. Now, this isn’t a big deal if there are open stations, but otherwise, your bet is not important to the casino and you’re delaying the guy putting a G on a game that takes one minute. They should make specific terminals for dumbasses.

Tinters & Starers — I make it a point to never look left or right when I’m driving. I don’t want to know who the idiot is next to me. Yet, every once in a while I do, and it seems like 100% of the time they’re already looking back at me. There are times when I see a bozo make an idiotic move on the road and I want to know who’s that stupid. Aside from that, though, I refuse to acknowledge my fellow road mates.

This goes double for tinted windows. Who are you hiding from? You’re more guilty with tints. If I had to guess which one of us was doing something illegal, I’d guess you.