This is limited to the first 151 Pokémon because, after collecting 1000 cards and logging 1000 hours on various Pokémon games, I lost interest beyond the first 151.

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10. Peck – Spearow

A tiny bird pecking away. It’d be like when a board walk seagull gets too aggressive. If it had a move called “shit”… well now we’re talking.

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9. Vine Whip – Bellsprout

Bellsprout is listed at 9 pounds, or the same size as Melon, and I would put $1,000,000 on Melon -1000. His little vine hands would break.

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8. Leer – Ekans

Leer – Verb – to look or gaze in an unpleasant, malicious, or lascivious way. The only people on the planet this would scare are Damon John and Tom. A little more powerful than the vine whip, but pretty weak.

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7. Pound – Jigglypuff

SuperSmash reinforces the fact that the only Jigglypuff move ever worth doing is Down+B. Getting pounded by a cotton ball would be… well, not that I would know, but, fine.

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6. Tail Whip – Rattata

The inspiration for this post. Covy was wagging his tail and I wondered why anyone would think a tail ‘whip’ would hurt? Pick a more useless attack. Well good news, I picked five more.

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5. Growl – Pikachu

We know Pikachu too well to be scared by a growl. He’s too lovable to be intimidating. If this was called Hiss, then maybe, but Growl? I just don’t buy it.

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4. Bubble – Squirtle

Squirtle doesn’t have pumps on his back like Blastoise, so he has to blow these out of his mouth. It’d probably be better shooting out of his wang. Kids love being blasted by bubbles, and Squirtle is adorable. Hire one for a kids birthday party to shoot bubbles and boom, you’re set.

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3. Gust – Pidgey

Pidgey is listed at four pounds. FOUR pounds. A gust from that bird would feel like a nice breeze on a summer day. For comparison, Zubat is 17 pounds. What were the makers of this game smoking? A 17 pound bat and a four pound bird were pretty much equal in terms of power in the game.

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2. String Shot – Caterpie

Coming from Weedle this move would at least make nauseous because Weedle is kind of gross, but getting nutted on by a caterpillar would just make me laugh. Look at this Pokédex description – “Its short feet are tipped with suction pads that enable it to tirelessly climb slopes and walls.” I’m scared!

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1. Splash – Magikarp

“Magikarp used Splash. It was ineffective“. The GOAT. What else do you need to say about this move? It’s a goldfish flopping around. That’s it. That’s the move. Zero damage. Apparently if you use it 10 times in a row it kills any Pokémon. What a world!

Thanks for reading.