Fart or Shart? – Your stomach is grumbling and you have to let out a nice fart…except that fart could be a shart? You’ll be out at a crowded bar and you know it’s too risky of a situation to even test the issue. Walking home with a poop stain is embarrassing and uncomfortable. Taking a shit would solve this dilemma, but there are times where public pooping is not feasible. You hem and haw and suffer until the point that you need to release that air in your system. You lift a cheek and pray you don’t shit yourself knowing the night could be ending in the next second. This is a true test of being a man.
Stage Fright – It’s 20 degrees outside and you’re at an event. You head to the bathroom and see a line of 40 people. It’s the only break in the action so this is the time. You wait and wait and then get to the holy land and it’s a trough. You get stuck shoulder to shoulder with bros carrying huge hogs, letting it flow like fire hoses, and you freeze up. Your shivered turtle head is stalled. You stand there pretending to pee, looking up at the ceiling wishing you were anywhere else, wondering if your guy is going to perform. After a minute of posturing, the line behind you is waiting for your silly ass to get the fuck out of the way, you fake shake, and get the hell out of there knowing you’ll be back in 10 minutes to try again.
Dive Bombing – You smoke a drive up the middle on a short par 4 and you have 40 yards into the green. You’re already thinking about a birdie opp. Par at worst. You get out the trusty wedge and birds are chirping all around. Practice swing to make sure you’re grooved in because these opportunities don’t come around every hole. You make the swing and your heart sinks when you see the ball 1 foot off the ground flying at 200 mph’s. You skull fucked the shot and now you feel like a real piece of shit. Birdie just turned into “you’ll be lucky to make bogey.” The only thought you have is taking your wedge and breaking it over your thigh or throwing into the woods.
Dying on 95 – The other ones are bad, but this is my ultimate nightmare fuel. Stuck in traffic with thousands of other motorists who are already pissed off and your battery dies. I tell myself this is impossible to happen because once the car is running, the battery can’t die, but I’m making that up. Now imagine being in 4 lanes of traffic and having to move the car out of the way? Do you push it through traffic with other motorists? Does it sit there until someone can jump you? My lord what a high stress situation with not only thousands of people being pissed at you, but your also backing up more people! Lose lose.
Recent Comments