In my early 20s, I’d convinced myself that I was uniquely capable of handling mental hardship. That when faced with adversity where others may crumble, I… I would face it head on, be resilient, and become better.
I viewed things like grieving the loss of a loved one, dealing with the guilt of a moral-failure, or even handling the embarrassment of doing something stupid as opportunities to showcase resilience and grow as a person.
Conveniently, I’ve never had to back up those thoughts because I haven’t faced much adversity in my life (though I have had plenty of embarrassing moments). There have been difficult moments and situations, but nothing truly challenging or devastating (aside from losing Covy last year).
That was until this week…
On Wednesday night, I played a four hour game of chess against a higher-rated opponent. We were even throughout but around 11:40pm I’d finally broken through and got into a decisively winning endgame. We were the last game going and had three or four others watching. I was beaming with pride at my brilliant play.
Then, with the clock ticking down, in a single move, I blundered checkmate in one. I made my move, he made his, and just like that, the game was over. My opponent, as well as those watching, began discussing a few key moves as I sat back in my chair speechless. What felt like a crowning moment turned into an utter embarrassment.
After about a minute I said “I can’t believe that. That was so stupid“. My opponent was gracious in victory and undoubtedly felt bad for me. I drove home in silence at midnight. I’d just played a beautiful game for 3 hours and 59 minutes only to blow it with one rushed, boneheaded decision.
As I drove, I thought “This feels terrible and I have no one to blame but myself. This is my moment. This is my adversity. How do I respond?”
Here’s how I process the adversity.
For the first 24 hours, I allow myself to fully indulge in the pity party.
- I SHOULD have won!
- I KNOW I’m better than that guy, I just made one REALLY STUPID move.
- That was SO unlucky. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.
- When the thought of the game crosses my mind, I dwell on it.
Then, I put it into perspective (and write a blog post).
- Don’t be so hard on yourself, you actually did play really well.
- In the long run, these will start to swing my way if I keep playing like that.
- I genuinely enjoyed that and was fully engaged for four hours, that counts for something.
- In two weeks I’ll forget about it and in two years I’ll laugh about it.
This probably isn’t what 23 year old Sam had in mind, and honestly he would’ve handled this way worse. But it’s a test-run regardless. I may face true hardship only a handful of times in my life, and being able to have perspective in those moments will be important. The dozens of little shitty moments in the meantime prepare you for the ‘real’ ones.
Until then, I’m looking forward to next week’s game.
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