Oh God. Legitimately, what’s the point of having a blog when it can do it better? I may follow up this post with some ITYSL fuckery.

The Best Way to Lose Money Gambling
by Tom Stortz-style, via SplittingTens.com

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Let’s be honest: if you’re gambling to win, you’re doing it wrong. The house edge isn’t a myth, and your emotional edge is probably worse. But that doesn’t mean gambling can’t be fun—especially if you know how to lose money the right way.

As seasoned degenerates who’ve logged more hours at blackjack tables than we’d care to admit, let me walk you through the best, most efficient, most soul-fulfilling way to light your money on fire while still having a good time.

1. Pick the Wrong Game

The easiest way to lose? Play slots. Bonus points if they’re branded ones like Wheel of Fortune or Buffalo Gold. You don’t know how they work. Nobody knows how they work. They’re basically kaleidoscopes with credit card readers.

Baccarat? Boring. Craps? Too many rules. Blackjack? You might win if you accidentally follow basic strategy.

Stick with the game where the payout percentage is listed in font size 4 on a placard that no one reads. That’s where the magic happens.

2. Never Learn the Rules

There’s a special kind of thrill in putting $25 on a roulette table and having no idea what you’re betting on. Red? Black? Odd? “I like the number 32″—sure, that’s as good a reason as any.

Same goes for sports betting. Parlay six teams, include three you’ve never watched play, and throw in a teaser just to spice it up. Remember: research is for nerds. Trust your gut. Especially after three whiskey sours.

3. Chase Losses Like a Hero

This is a classic. You’re down $500? That’s the universe telling you you’re due. Double your bet. Hit 16 vs. a 10. Bet the next hand before the dealer even shuffles.

No one remembers the time you walked away down $300. But if you come back and hit that Hail Mary 12-leg parlay to only lose $1,000 instead of $2,000? Now that’s a story.

4. Use Credit

Cash is limiting. ATMs charge fees. Your debit card has a limit. Solution? Lines of credit, baby. Online casinos love you for this.

You can’t lose what you don’t have if you just pretend it’s not real money. It’s like Monopoly, except it wrecks your credit score.

5. Drink Heavily

Casinos want you drunk for a reason—and it’s not because they like your personality. If you’re thinking clearly, you might leave when you’re ahead. If you’re on your fourth gin and tonic, you might split 10s and yell, “I’m due!”

Drunk decisions make for the best losses.

6. Believe You’re Different

“Other people lose, but I’ve got a system.”
No, you don’t.

There is no system. Your buddy’s uncle who “counts cards” at the local casino in Bensalem? He doesn’t either. You’re just as vulnerable to the laws of probability and tilt as the rest of us.

And that’s beautiful in its own way.