I’m a big candle guy. Huge candle guy. Always have been thanks to my mom. Thanks mom.
Yankee Candle is my go-to. I ordered three large jar candles last week for $64 and they were supposedly delivered yesterday. I didn’t see anything.
I checked again today and again I didn’t see anything. So I called Yankee Candle and told them I think the package was stolen, it said ‘left at front door’, which isn’t ideal for my SHITTY apartment building.
The lady I spoke with was super helpful and is sending me a replacement package. But while I was on the phone with her, what did I see out of the corner of my eye?
That is my candle box, cut open, all candles removed, and tossed aside. This was on the INSIDE of my gate. So presumably a tenant stole the candles!
What. The. Fuck.
This is where things get interesting.
Being the natural detective that I am, I went to the top floor of my SHITTY apartment building and started sniffing… If this thief is stupid enough to leave the open box out by the trash then they may be stupid enough to BURN the candle in the building as well.
Sixth floor. Clean.
Fifth floor. Hoe. Lee. Shit. I smell candle.
I can’t pinpoint the scent because the three scents I purchased are new for me, but I GUARANTEE someone on the fifth floor of my SHITTY apartment building was burning a candle.
So what do I do now…
My replacement candles should be here soon enough. My plan is that when they come in, I’m going to the fifth floor every day until I smell the candle burning again. And when I do, I’m going to compare that scent to the three that I bought.
And what if there’s a match…
This is what I haven’t figured out yet… Say I’m outside 5B and they have Pink Sands blasting through their door. What do I do?? If I knock I’m basically hoping they open the door holding the candle so I can accuse them.
Otherwise, “Hey. Uh, can I come in and poke around a little bit?”
Or do I directly accuse them? “I had some candles stolen from me this week and I think you did it…“.
Or do I write them a note?:
I know you did it. You stole my candles. I’m not even asking for them back. Just know that you’re a piece of shit. But if you want to return them, please leave them in the lobby, I will take them back. Thanks. – Sam Stortz, 3D
It’s impossible. I don’t know how I can directly accuse them without potentially getting it wrong and looking like a psycho.
My last, and probably best idea, is to get a drone and fly it up to their window. If I can see the candles through the window, then I’ll be confident enough to knock on the door. Does anyone have a drone?
Besides Pink Sands, what other scents did you order?
I think you should put a fake (expensive looking) package out as bait and do a stakeout complete with binoculars, a Tay Swift playlist, slim jims, and booze. That way you can catch them #redhanded
Macintosh and Beach Walk. I should put a poop in an expensive looking package and leave it.
Knock on door and when the jamoke answers, compliment the candle scent. Ask probing questions. Eye them up and down while doing so, like Larry David (https://youtu.be/MEd57FxI-FM). They’ll know.
-Or-
Set up a booby trap package. Rig it to erupt a shit ton of glitter and spit out stink bombs when it’s opened. Address it to a fake name and leave it in the lobby to let the thief steal it.
People are crazy and some would physically harm someone over far less than accusations at your front door.
I’d recommend an open letter penned to all residents of your building where you comment that there have been thefts from the lobby, and you implore others to be vigilant. Remind them that your building is a community, and a strong community requires caring and consideration of others. Post that bad boy in large font in the lobby, and move on with your life. It’s not worth getting punched in the face or worse, nor is it worth you living with the anger and frustration over someone else’s deplorable decisions and morals.
That’s assuming this low-level perp knows how to read. We’re talking about package [candle] thieves here, not exactly the brightest of flames.
Listen, there are countless references to “beta cucks” plastered all over this blog. So by your own words, are you a “beta cuck” or an Alpha wolf? Time to shit or get off the pot. WWAD? Would Alpha write a note and spray it with perfume? NO! Buy a gun, knock on their door, and be like Charlie (https://youtu.be/bk46mMEQrbw?t=129)
Shit in a box. Leave it at their door.
Next time you order something, order one for each person in the building. Then they’ll all have their own package and won’t take yours. Solved.