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I went on my first app-date on January 2nd, 2017. We went to Locust Bar for three hours and I never spoke to her again.

Since that date, I’ve been single for 42 of 47 months. And it’s not for lack of trying! I’m just ugly.

In the last four years I’ve gone on a LOT of dates. Most have been ‘It went well I think…?’. Some were great. And some were terrible. Nobody wants to read the positive reviews, so here are the bad dates I went on.

Name: Sara
Date Spot: Mission Taqueria
One Sentence Summary: I ate spicy salsa and couldn’t speak for three minutes.

Sara was one of my first Bumble meet ups. She talked a lot about her gay brother but was generally pretty easy going. We ordered the three salsa app. I told her I couldn’t eat the spicy one. She egged me on to try it. I tried it, instantly teared up, started coughing, and put the date on pause for about three minutes while trying to gather myself. I don’t know if that was the deal breaker, but we were on the same page that this was one and done.

Name: Jess
Date Spot: North Third
One Sentence Summary: I sold tickets to the SIXERS WARRIORS game on a Saturday just so I could go on this date where I ended up watching it on a tiny bar TV anyway.

Does tonight work for you?!” She was cute so I didn’t want to say no BUT I had tickets to the freakin’ Sixers Warriors game on a Saturday night. This was prime Steph / Klay / KD Warriors vs. the up-and-coming Sixers with Embiid starting to dominate. I could either A) sell them for ~$200 a piece and miss the game for the date. B) go to the game and tell her let’s do another time. C) invite her to the game (0% chance).

So I sold the tickets, went to a bar in Northern Liberties, and talked about the last time I cried while keeping an eye on the game the whole time. The cherry on top was that I didn’t bring a jacket and by the time our date ended it was FREEZING outside. I shivered horribly while walking her home. Embarrassingly cold. No douglas move. Didn’t see her again.

Name: Sam
Date Spot: Time
One Sentence Summary: She spent most of the time on her phone trying to get a bib to the Rocky Run the next morning while I got drunk.

This was two people not having anything in common. She was constantly checking her phone to see if the guy with a bib to the Rocky Run the next morning would sell her his bib. Half way through it was pretty obvious we weren’t into each other AT ALL. We spent the last half discussing a dating app where you transmitted smells before meeting up called InScentive or something like that. Didn’t even hug goodbye. Seeyuhlater.

Name: Elizabeth
Date Spot: Coffee Place in Manayunk
One Sentence Summary: I genuinely thought she was disabled when I first heard her speak because she had a British Accent.

I can’t explain how it happened, but when she went to speak, it wasn’t a British Accent. It was like a different language. I thought she was disabled after her first sentence and didn’t know what to do. After a few more sentences it was clear that it was just an accent. She was sweet. We talked about Black Mirror, but she just wouldn’t have wanted a guy who was blacking out on the reg. No chance.

Name: Mackenzie
Date Spot: Tria
One Sentence Summary: I forgot my wallet and she had to pay for it.

This shouldn’t count because the date itself went great and we kept seeing each other for a while after. But when I got to Tria I realized I left my wallet at home. In a panic, I asked if I should run back and be late? Should we go somewhere else? She said it was no prob and ended up paying for it, very cool of her. She also said she’d give me $100 if I’d had more teeth pulled than she did (she had like 21 to my 27), so it evened out in the end.