No one ever asks me about this blog anymore. Splittingtens may be down to single digit readers and once they die off, we’re toast. Dealer 6. Split. 12. Stand. 12. Stand. Dealer flips a 10. BUST! Five. 21. Bankrupt, seeyuhlater.
But when this album came out three days ago, I had a half dozen people ask me when I was going to post the song rankings. I’ve always stayed true to what I want to write about, but at a certain point, you have to bow to the content gods and give the people what they want.
Here are the 12 songs for Taylor Swift’s latest album The Life of a Showgirl ranked in order from worst to best.
Tier 3 – The Not-THAT-Bad-But-Still-Pretty-Bad Stretch of the Album
Songs 8-11 are the blatant weak part of this album. If I had four bad songs on a 12 song album, I’d probably slot them at like 3, 8, 10, and 11, but she just says fuck it and puts them all in a row. Not complaining as it makes it easy for me as a listener. Here we go!
12. Wi$h Li$t
She wants you to think she’s happy in love and doesn’t care about anything else when everyone knows she cares deeply and pays very close attention to pretty much everything. This song is not charming, or witty, or catchy. It’s not a song that makes you want to root for her. All that said, “got me dreaming of a driveway with a basketball….. HOOP” got a laugh out of me the first time I heard it. I will hopefully never revisit this one.
11. Wood
Even if this song wasn’t about Travis Kelce’s pecker I still don’t think I would like it. She takes more risks this album than a lot of her others, it’s also definitely her most HORNY, which hey, no complaints, rock on. This song is the obvious example of being a bit… daring? Which I applaud her for, but it doesn’t land. The best part is that it’s only 2:30.
10. CANCELLED!
The poor representation of Reputation. It’s nice she acknowledges the absurdity of cancel culture? But this is mostly a cringey, unrelatable commentary on something that few have much sympathy for.
9. Honey
This is a fine listen but unimpressive and uninteresting. Lyrically not compelling and vocally the verses are more off-putting than anything, We’re also well beyond the point where someone is simply approaching Taylor at a bar of all places, at least that’s what I assume.
Tier 2 – The Solid but Forgettable Middle
These three songs are good, but these will stand out in anyway in a few months time.
8. Eldest Daughter
The bridge of this song may be the most sincere part of this album, it’s fantastic. For her, I’m sure this means a lot as a track 5, but I don’t feel moved by it aside from the short bridge. Maybe if I read into it more I’d find some deep insight into her upbringing, but nothing makes me want to care about it.
7. Ruin the Friendship
Musically this is a good listen. Most of us thought we’d have moved on from high school romance songs (or maybe not), but she seems determined to include one of these on every album. I’m sure some die-hards will insist these are must-haves, but it’s a bit repetitive at this point even if, plot twist, the guy dies in this one?
6. Father Figure
I like this song, both the music and what it’s about. It’s good. Just good. Constantly saying “my dick’s bigger” is cool because it’s her dick and not Travis Kelce’s. Lot of dicks in the album. She’s very horny.
Tier 1 – The Very Good Top 5
To me, there’s a clear line between the top 5 and the rest. These are the songs I will actually listen to once we’re past the afterglow of this release. I shuffled these around a lot as I don’t see much daylight between them, but you have to place them somewhere.
5. The Fate of Ophelia
Great start to the album and a good representation of what’s to come – poppy but a little edgy. Initially I felt a top 3 song but it feels a bit more generically good than the remaining songs.
4. Actually Romantic
I don’t know shit about Charli XCX other than I hate her music. I have a visceral reaction when it comes on. I get mad. I was happy to find this song was about her. It’s always a good diss to say “why do you care so much about me?“, very Regina George-ish. Hard to come back from that. Wouldn’t listen to a return-diss-track by Charli if she made one because she sucks.
3. Opalite
The pop hit of the album. Super catchy chorus. A great feel-good song and really not much more to it, in fact I’d rank this higher if I felt it was a more complete song. But it doesn’t need to be. It does what it’s supposed to do for this album. I don’t see this as a radio hit. In fact, I don’t see any of these as radio hits.
2. Elizabeth Taylor
This may be controversial. Reputation-done-right. Perhaps the most interesting song musically (Succession theme??) and just gripping from start to finish for me. I imagine the anti-Reputation crowd will put this near the bottom but they can go fuck themselves. This song is really good. I know nothing about Elizabeth Taylor and am not going to look up why she named this song after her until after I post this.
1. The Life of a Showgirl
Story telling like this is what she does best. Hands down. This song hits and sounds exactly as she intends. If you’re half-listening you may go through start-to-finish and wonder what the hell I’m talking about, But if you’re paying attention it feels grand and important, full of substance. Sabrina Carpenter sounds great. It’s the You’re On Your Own Kid of this album. I’m not saying you’re uneducated or unqualified or unfit to write for Splittingtens if you rank this in your bottom half, but maybe just don’t rank it there.
BONUS – Tortured Poets Top 5 Song Ranking
I didn’t do a post about The Tortured Poets Department. It was a protest-non-post because of the absurdity of 31 songs. However, here are the best songs from that album:
- DOWN BAD
- FORTNITE
- SO HIGH SCHOOL
- THE BLACK DOG
- MY BOY ONLY BREAKS HIS FAVORITE TOYS
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