I was listening to a podcast with a programmer when the host asked him how becoming a father changed his life. Here’s his paraphrased answer:
Starting a family wasn’t on my list of priorities. I was in my early 30s and felt I understood the boundaries of life, of what joy in life entailed. And then here’s something that turned out to be the most important thing, and it was an open secret! Actually it’s not an open secret, it’s an open truth.
Listen to anyone who’s raised kids throughout all of history and they’ll tell you their children are the most important thing in their life. Yet somehow, that wisdom doesn’t sink in until you’re in the situation yourself. You can’t relay it with words. You go through life and think your level of satisfaction or joy is on a scale of 1-10, and when you have children and see them grow and learn something or accomplish something, you realize you’re now on a scale of 1-100, and that you’ve spent your whole life living in that 1-10 until now.
The Joy Scale & My Childhood
In the months before Harrison was born, I reflected a lot on my earliest memories. I’d always remembered them through my own eyes, but with him on the way, I started picturing them through my parents’ perspective.
One memory kept coming back to me; reading Guess How Much I Love You with my mom when I was three or four. In the book, this little rabbit stretches his arms as wide as he can to show his love for his mom, which I would mimic, and then we’d hug and it was all love and laughs and happiness.
When I think about that now, I think from my mom’s perspective – her 3 year old son being totally unashamed of saying how much he loves her – and when I reference the 1-100 scale above, that was probably close to a 100 for her. I bet she wouldn’t trade that for the world. Meg and I came across that book in the book store the week before Harrison was born and it made me cry. We read it to him on the first night we brought him home even though he had no idea what was going on.
I say all that because you rarely think about how much your parents did for you, how much they sacrificed, but also how much joy you brought them. At least I never thought of it much until now. And although Harrison hasn’t quite unlocked 100 on the joy scale (he’s less than a month old!), I have no doubt I’ll have those same feelings of love and joy, and also the same willingness to sacrifice for him. I just wonder if it will take him 33 years to realize how much happiness he brought us along the way.
Life is Simpler
Our world has grown, but also shrunk. By bringing Harrison into our lives, it’s become more challenging to manage the day-to-day, but it’s become much simpler in a sense. I now know that the only thing I need to make sure of is right at home, my wife and kid. Yes there are other life goals and responsibilities like work, seeing family & friends, etc. But the pressure of “what should I be doing to make the most of my life” is easier now, because there’s a clear #1 priority.
This thought I’d been having was conveniently verbalized by Bob Odenkirk literally just a week ago on a podcast:
I don’t yet fully understand what he’s talking about because Harrison is so young, but it makes sense to me. I was coming to that understanding before I saw that clip, which reinforces this shared experience that people with children have, and if I’m feeling that already, I have no doubt the 100 scale will come as well.
Identity Crisis
On a different note, in the months leading up to Harrison I was having a mini identity crisis. I was excited to start my role as a father, but on the other hand, I’m a social person! I like going out, seeing friends, having fun, etc. Anyone who has a kid will tell you that your social life changes dramatically.
I struggled with this notion of being out of the mix; becoming someone who never makes it out to do things, and thus never gets asked to do things because I always says no or leave early. I didn’t want that to be me. This runs contrary to my section above – that there’s only one thing to focus on in life, but I think both thoughts make sense at once.
Now that Harrison is actually here, this feels less significant. Days / nights out will happen less often than before. They will be shorter, have to be planned well ahead of time, and will often happen with people who also have small kids. The days of staying out late are mostly in the rearview spare a few special occasions a year (it makes sense now why so many shows or movies focus on a ‘weekend away without the kids‘ where crazy things happen).
But that is part of the equation and one I’m happy to be signing up for. There’s an instinctual recoil to that thought because I’ve never known anything else socially, but similar to my feeling that the joy scale will increase shortly, I’m also less concerned about my social life changing.
No Kids?
I’ve always known I wanted kids. Half because of an innate feeling and half because of the conventional wisdom. But not having kids, voluntarily or not, is becoming more common these days. I won’t get into the weeds on how modern dating has made it much more difficult to start a family than generations past, but I buy a lot of the rhetoric around that topic.
A step beyond that; I know a lot of couples in my life who have happily concluded “we don’t want kids” which is a decision I respect. They arrive at that for various reasons.
When I think about it myself, of course I see the appeal in not having kids. I’m in my 30s, I finally feel some stability financially and relationally, and I’ve become a mature, capable person. The world has so much to offer in the way of experiences, traveling, entertainment, etc. and adding a kid to the mix prohibits so much of the opportunity that’s out there. I understand that, and I understand what I’m forfeiting by choosing the other path.
But my thought process to nullify that fear is simply thinking long term. Life doesn’t end at 40. Or 50. Or even 60. I know that when I’m in my 40s, 50s, and beyond, I’ll look back and say “I can’t imagine our life without our kids“. And I believe I’d feel a massive level of regret if I hit 50 and didn’t have kids. I’d ask myself “was it worth it not having them? What did I gain instead?”
Clearly people arrive at their decisions in different ways, but for me, that line of thinking has been unshakeable over the years.
So here’s to the next chapter of life; of being a dad. I promise not every post will revolve around that, but these are the thoughts I’ve been coming back to over and over recently, so I wanted to put them out there.
Great read. Babies rule. Framing the choice to have them from the POV of your future self isn’t something I’ve considered before but it makes a lot of sense.
Can’t wait to meet the boy!