The last time I went to a doctor (this was pre-covid) she asked me how many alcoholic beverages I averaged per week. I said “15-20?” She was PISSED. She told me I had to drink less. She was also a NERD. She ended up leaving Philadelphia, so I’ve been doctorless for a while.

But that hasn’t mattered because I don’t really go to the doctor anyway.

Now that I’m 30, I feel like it’s a good idea to get a CHECK UP. When I say check up, I have no idea what I mean. Here’s what I assume they will do for a check up:

• Colonoscopy – Right away. Get it over with. This checks for… cancer? Huge dumps? I have both.
• Height & Weight – 5’10, 150. Don’t even put me on the scale.
• Blood tests – This checks for STDs and…? Blood pressure? My zodiac sign? I don’t know what they’re hoping to find here.
• Questions – They’ll ask if I smoke, if I drink, etc. And I’ll lie because I was scolded last time.
• Hernia check – Right nut. Left nut. Middle nut. Wam bam thank you ma’am.
• Mile Time – “I ran 4:59 a few days ago but that’s not like my PR or anything. I ran 4:30 once“.

Am I missing anything?

My next hurdle is finding another doctor. Jefferson is the easiest because I’m already in their system. Do I pick a guy or a girl? Or first available? Does it matter?

I’ll update in a month (or two) when I actually go.